Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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