I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
