I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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