i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
