The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
