About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
