OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
