the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
