my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Two words: nipple clamps
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