Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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