she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
