So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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