Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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