I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
