The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
