i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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