I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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