I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
