I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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