he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
