Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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