I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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