so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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