You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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