Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
