I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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