DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
