I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
