from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
