Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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