Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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