She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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