we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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