Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
