He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
