So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
