i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
