Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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