i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
