Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
