I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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