If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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