I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
