I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
