fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
