that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
