my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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