Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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