Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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