I didn't shave. On purpose
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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