gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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