Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
