I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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