so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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