HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
