Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
