Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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