She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize