No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
