apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
