Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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