Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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