you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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