And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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